You're only lonely if you think you are alone

I spend alot of time on my own. Always have done.

For a long time this desire to be alone came with a sense of loneliness and isolation. I believed I was on my own and nobody cared. Over the last few years God has been working on that, telling me clearly and repeatedly that 'I am not alone, and I am loved'. There is a particular sermon by Morris Cerullo that spoke to me four years ago, and last year, when I was freaking out slightly, someone just took my by the shoulders, looked deep into my eyes and told me that I wasn't alone and that I was loved. The same exact words I'd heard via the sermon three years before. I felt like the Spirit of God was talking directly to me - it was so powerful. I got the point!

However now that that sense of loneliness is receding, I still find myself craving solitude. I find that if I don't stop and be still in silence, my emotions run wild and I run myself into the ground. Silence and solitude feed my soul because I sit with God.

Don't get me wrong. I love people and I love loving people. I love a good craic and a great party as much as the next person, maybe even more, but what makes me tick is quality time with a few people I know truly love me and know me. I only need a few.

I go for walks on my own, travel abroad on my own, check myself into hospital on my own and it doesn't bother me a bit. What bothers me more is worrying what others assume about me - that I'm a loner and a bit weird. But I know I'm not alone because God is with me and, well, I know and believe I am loved so I don't have a need to be around people to stop me feeling lonely.

Crowds can actually be the loneliest places if you have no sense of connection, love or being understood. As my connection with God himself improves and grows, as I accept that He truly does accept me, does love me and thinks the world of me, as I accept that he says I'm worthy and reject the condemnation and the lies, I am happier and happier and more content with being alone.

It hasn't been easy. Being sick forces you to spend alot of time on your own, and it can be frustrating as the world seems to move on without you, but really, lots of activity and even meeting lots of people is not what feeds my soul.  I thank God that He has healed me to the point where I can receive the love of the amazing people He has put around me - my family and friends. Its amazing, humbling and moving.

Betty in the 'Stow

I love the Queen. If you don't know that now, I am declaring it now. 

I. love. the. Queen.

I've bored many of my friends, literally, to tears with my excitement about this woman, and now its her Diamond Jubilee year - 50 years and still going strong? Amazing. Whatta gal. And guess what? I got on the bus to see her a few weeks ago. I am still completely mindboggled that I was able to get on a bus to see the Queen Elizabeth the Second. Anyone going about their business in Walthamstow could have got a glimpse of her.

I was amazed at the goodwill, nay hysteria, that erupted on the day. Kids were chanting - "we love the Queen" over and over.  I caught the whole lot on video and I cringe every time I hear myself screaming "we love you betty!" in the cold light of normal rational life. Hysteria is a scary, scary thing. Thank the Lord for video editing software - you've been spared.



Now I know there are all those arguments about the monarchy - should be abolished...they cost too much..why should we pay for them...yada yada yada. I am not in total agreement about they way it is, but the fact is that it is there. If nothing else, the Queen is probably the best, most hardworking and well-respected ambassador for this nation. Its been great for me to have lived my life with the role model of a strong, dedicated female leader. I think when she is gone we will appreciate her influence and inspiration to women in particular alot more.

Good on ya Betty!

In the mood for love...

This week the image of Princess Diana, arms open, welcoming and urging Harry or William (can't quite remember!) to come and run into her arms at the end of a school day has been etched on my mind whenever I sit down to pray. 

I think I saw this sequence on a documentary about her life over Christmas. The pure delight and desire to embrace her son was so strong and overwhelming. Harry, I think it was who was about 6 years old, just runs at full pelt to give enjoy a hug.

This truly is God's heart towards all of his creation.

Lord may I run into and enjoy the embrace you long to give me.  Amen

Room for one more...

Just about time for one more post before the end of year....

I firmly believe that God speaks to us all, all the time and especially in the most unlikely ways, if you have the ears to hear and eyes to see. This crazy car I came across in Vancouver speaks to me still and is especially relevant for 2012.

As I look back I have so much to be thankful for; family, friends old and new, God's provision each and every step of the way. Mmnn hmnn!






Don't have much more to say than that. I'm looking forward to seeing how life unfolds in 2012.  

Happy new year!

A walk in the park

So, I'm back in London town. Its jarring coming back - you notice so many things, like how busy and stressed everyone seems. I guess its a busy time of year too. Also remembering the things I love - like the music scene (hello bhangra and drum and bass), curry, baked beans, crumbles and custard (twice this week - result!) and definitely, most definitely family and friends!

There have been lots of changes, and there are lots of people to catch up with. The Olympics are just round the corner, in terms of both time and location. Went to Stratford on Saturday - I can see the Olympic torch taking shape so exciting....and the humongous cathedral to consumerism that is Westfield. The biggest shopping centre in Europe, its apparently "20 times the size of St Paul's Cathedral". It even has a multi-faith prayer room, as if to completely stamp it as a modern day place of worship, and will be the official gateway to the Olympic site yuk! Tells you alot about the values of this city. Millions of international visitors will be greeted by an edifice that celebrates what the city loves most - fashion, shopping and gambling - the UK's biggest casino is in there for good measure! And don't get me started on the subject of gentrification...

So, Transit, 24-7 prayer, Vancouver 614, the pacifist War College fighting darkness with the love of Jesus. Whew! Its been an amazing journey - just starting to process it more and more. Good thing I can get away to a local park in Ilford - a place for walks and rest, listening to Jesus and...taking photos. One thing the year has taught me is to see and appreciate beauty in everywhere and especially the darkest places.

love the way the fungus reflects in the wood

beautiful fungus...

the boating lake 

One thing the year has taught me is to see and appreciate beauty in everywhere and especially the darkest places.

positive graffiti

I've never lived anywhere with so much positive graffiti.....

....and of course the reaction to the riots after the hockey. 1000's of people gathered to clean up and show support - can't imagine that happening in London!

Friendship

I received this fabulous card in the post from my friend Emma. It  perfectly describes our friendship and the nature of friendship. I've known Emma for 15 years. Many years have gone by with out contact yet when we catch up we just pick up where we left off. And she always seems to remember my birthday even when I'm thousands of miles away. I was really tickled that she found a card with a black person on it too. I admit it - I am friend A resemblance is uncanny :). Living here I've met several people, who once they have come out of addiction say that they didn't have have any real friends. People use each other for drugs or sex or money and that's it. To say that abuse and addiction twists relationships is an understatement.

I can't even begin to imagine. Friendships have shaped my life, friends who've prayed for me, cried with me, cut short shopping trips come to my side to paint my toenails when I thought I was dying (yes really!), supported me financially and emotionally on crazy mission trips to strange lands ;) and knitted and stuffed small animals with their own fair hands. Most importantly friends have listened to me and understood me, which has in turn healed me. I'm realising again and again have been blessed all my life with so many good friends.  I'm praying that I am giving as good as I've gotten.